Kill Myself
by Zanett
Summary: Spuffy songfic. Spike is all down and depressed because Buffy wont love him. Set after Seeing Red. Instead of getting a soul, Spike got life. He's alive. What happens now?


'**Kill Myself'**

**By: Zanet**

(Ok. This is a new song fic. Over the weekend, I purchased the new Tim McGraw cd, and I heard this song. So I got a great idea for a new Spuffy song fic. I hope you all enjoy. It's a first time for me to write something that's only in one characters POV. Please Read and Review! Thanks!)

(This takes place sometime after 'Seeing Red' and before 'Lessons'. Just to let you know.)

Spike sits at his apartment alone.

He is writing something in a small journal.

'The memories of her and what I did to her still haunts me.

I wish I had never tried to do that.

At night as I lie down to go to bed, I see her.

She never leaves me.

She probably never will.

I set out on my journey somewhere around 3 months ago.

I went to find something.

I wanted something.

I wanted to be able to please her.

I wanted to give her what she deserves.

My soul.

Like always, that never ends well.

I didn't exactly get that, but what I did get was life.

I am alive.

I wander what she would say if she knew I was here today?

Sitting here at my desk, in my lonely apartment writing this.

It hurts to think about it.

Anyways...'

_I'm gonna clean the house._

_I'm gonna fix the fence._

_In my final hours..._

_I'm gonna tie up these loose ends._

_I wont leave a note_

_For anyone to find._

_Tomorrow they will know_

_What I've done here tonight..._

__

He stood up and walked outside as he continued to write.

'It really is beautiful here.

If only she were here.

She'd realize my love for her.

I'd hope to make her feel once again.

I've traveled far to see this.

Here its not like any other place I've been before.'

He placed the journal on the chair and reached into his pocket.

What he found was a picture of her.

As beautiful and golden as she had ever been.

A goddess.

'I've never met anyone like you Summers.

Unlike the others, I truly loved you, but you never returned your love to me.

If only you knew...'

_The drastic steps I'm takin'_

_Are just an act of desperation._

_No ones gonna miss me._

_So what the hell..._

_I fought and lied_

_I drank too much._

_Hurt everyone I ever touched._

_Just how much I hurt you is hard to tell..._

_Its not some kind of cry for help._

_Just goodbye I wish you well._

_Because I love you..._

_I'm gonna kill myself._

__

'Now as I sit here...the memory from when we first touched.

It feels like yesterday.

Her lips...

Her taste...

So sweet.

My sweetest sin.

That's what she was.

And my one true love.

I will never forget the things we did together.'

Sitting on the table next to his chair was a pack of cigarettes.

One by one, they began to disappear.

As he lit another one and smoked it.

_Now who is that_

_In my easy chair?_

_Now wait a minute..._

_That's the old me sittin' there._

__

'Bloody hell' he mumbled as he held onto his head, and then continued to write.

'I'm still nothing.

Even as I sit here today.

She'll find someone new.

He will give her what she deserves.

More than I can ever give her.

There's a phone downstairs.

I wander what she would say if I called her?

I just wish I could hear her voice one last time.

I guess I never will...'

He wiped away the tear that began to fall.

Soon after the one fell, more followed.

His heart, which now beat, was hurt.

_And I thank God._

_The devil in me died._

_I stand before you now._

_A man changed an alive._

__

The pencil hit the floor as he stood to his feet.

The journal, which he held, was now closed.

He took a sip of whiskey.

It soothed the pain as he leaned against the wall.

With all the anger and pain he felt...

He was hurting.

'God Summers.

What did you do to me?

Why wont you love me?'

The last of his tears fell.

He could no longer cry.

No matter how hard he tried, she would never love him.

_The drastic steps I've taken_

_We're just an act of desperation._

_I knew no one would miss me._

_So what the hell..._

_I fought and lied._

_I drank too much._

_Hurt everyone I ever touched._

_Just how much I hurt you is hard to tell._

_Its not some kind of cry for help._

_Just goodbye I wish you well._

_Because I love you..._

_I had to..._

_Kill myself._

The End

(So how was it? I cried as I wrote it. Please leave a review so I can know what you think. I'm planning more Spuffy song fics for the future.Please let me know what you think of this one. Review please! Thanks!)


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